Breakups suck. That goes without saying. When you are going through a breakup, there is unfortunately no magic wand that someone can wave over you to make everything instantly better. It can literally seem like the worst feeling on earth and as though you will never be able to recover from it. That said, we all go through breakups. It just takes time, patience, and developing the right mindset to move on from them. You need to look at your relationship from the outside in – with your head and not just with your heart.
We often get so caught up in the sadness of breakups, that it can cause us to lose sight of why the breakup happened. You need to realize that if your relationship was happy and healthy, there wouldn’t have been a breakup in the first place. Plus, if someone says they do not to be with you anymore, you shouldn’t try to convince them otherwise. You deserve someone who loves you and can’t even fathom the thought of losing you. Life is too short to settle for mediocre. Plus, begging and pleading only looks needy, desperate, and will make you feel worse.
The first thing you can do to start the healing process is to go no contact. This means no texting, no calling, no emailing, and no social media. Nothing. If you maintain contact with this person in any fashion, you will just be prolonging your pain. Stay away from checking up on them online or asking common friends about them. It will only hurt you more. Do not respond to them if they try to contact you either. They chose to breakup with you, so let them live with their decision. They are probably hurting to some degree as well, but don’t give them the benefit of knowing that they have a hold on you and can have you back at a moment’s notice. If you end up caving in, they will likely just end up hurting you again. Listen to Episode 6 of Trina’s breakup podcast: No Contact is the Key to Moving On.
Next, whatever you do, you need to stay away from the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” thoughts. Sure, you can analyze things to death and have a million regrets, but it will do you no good to rehash things in your head over and over again.
Get a piece of paper and make a con list. The only way that this will work, however, is if you are completely honest with yourself about the relationship. Don’t sugarcoat anything or put the other person in a brighter light than they should be in. Write down every single thing that bothered you about the relationship and the person you were with. Use the con list as a way to keep yourself strong. Read it often to remind yourself of what did not make you happy and what was not working in your relationship. Whenever you feel weak or have the urge to reach out to your ex, read this list!
Listen to the ‘breakup BOOST’ podcast for fresh perspectives on what you are going through and to help keep you strong and on track. It helps 1000’s of people each day and can help you too! Seriously! LISTEN HERE or find it on the Apple Podcasts App, Spotify, or wherever else you can listen to podcasts. (Be sure to subscribe on the Apple Podcasts App so you don’t miss any episodes!)
In addition to all of the tips mentioned above, get at least 30 minutes of exercise per day, get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, and declutter your surroundings. Put all material items from your relationship in a box so that you are not constantly reminded of your ex. It’s also a good idea to stay away from the alcohol (and of course, drugs) because that will make you feel more depressed and possibly lead to unnecessary drama and embarrassment. Alcohol tends to give us the urge to contact exes when we shouldn’t, and in most cases, that never ends well. Then you wake up the next day and a wave of anxiety washes over you when you remember what you’ve done.
As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. It really does. You just have to hold on, take it day by day, and keep the faith. Stay busy and keep yourself distracted. Focus on goals that you have wanted to accomplish, but may have let slide because you were so caught up in your relationship. This can also be a great way to boost your confidence and self-esteem, which is exactly what you need right now.
Remember, the sooner you can heal from this relationship, the sooner you can open your heart to someone else who will be better suited for you. It may seem impossible right now, but one day you will look back and be grateful that this breakup happened – you just don’t see it yet – but you will. The most important thing though is to be ok with being single! Single is a great thing too, and as you have experienced, the grass isn’t always greener on the ‘relationship’ side.
For email or phone coaching from the host of the popular relationship podcast, ‘breakup BOOST’, CLICK HERE. Trina is a breakup coach based in Vancouver, but can help you no matter where you are located in the world!