Listen to this podcast episode HERE: #267 Low Self-Esteem Leads to Desperation in Dating & Relationships. And be sure to check out my book, Don’t Be DESPERATE. It can completely shift your mindset so that you no longer stay stuck on the wrong people, stop ignoring red flags, start setting standards, and become a smarter dater going forward. It’s time to take your power back and rebuild your confidence!
Let’s start with “what is self-esteem?”
Self-esteem is the opinion that you have of yourself. The way you value and perceive yourself. Plus, it affects both your mental and physical health…
So, it goes without saying, that when you don’t hold yourself in a high regard, the way you interact with other people will be reflective of that. And although I am going to be referring to dating in this episode, low self-esteem can affect how you interact with people in general.
So, basically, if you are the type who is always hard on yourself, always telling yourself you aren’t good enough, and always comparing yourself to other people… those are all indicators that you have low self-esteem.
And when you treat yourself poorly and you’re trying to date, how do you think that’s going to translate? It’s not going to translate well BECAUSE…
- The energy you are carrying around isn’t going to pull quality people towards you… it will repel them.
- When you have low self-esteem, you are way more likely to settle for whatever you can get… instead of holding out for what you truly desire… mainly in part because you don’t believe you could ever have what you truly desire…
- And you are a million times more likely to tolerate bad behaviour and just stick it out to have someone.
So, the biggest takeaway here is if you have low self-esteem, it is crucial to build yourself up before you even begin to start dating because you’ll be spinning your wheels and you’ll keep feeling as though you’re coming up short.
OR if you are in a back and forth or dead end relationship, you need to finally decide to break-free of it because those kind of situations will only deplete you, exhaust you, and run you into the ground. Those types of relationships don’t magically turn around or get better. They get worse. It’s an act of desperation to be holding onto something or someone that is not adding to your life. It’s pointless.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell yourself it’s not that bad or maybe it can get better if you just hang on a bit longer, deep down, you know you are lying to yourself.
And when you don’t step up for yourself and work on your self esteem, you will keep finding yourself in the same type of dating situation… just with a different person…
Because, as I have said before many times on the podcast, one of my favorite quotes = if nothing changes, nothing changes… patterns repeat themselves until you decide to step up and do something about it.
When you have low self-esteem, you don’t trust yourself to make good decisions. Sure, you may agree with some empowering quotes online, but that’s about as far as it goes… you don’t actually LIVE that way. I see sooo many people do this. They’re always liking posts about not settling and self respect, but then months and years go by and they’re still complaining about the same person.
This also leads you to feel as though you don’t have much control over your life. It also means that even when you set goals for yourself, you probably don’t follow through with them because you don’t truly have confidence in your abilities.
You also engage in people-pleasing behavior because deep down you feel you have to constantly earn people’s approval… you think that bending over backwards for someone is the only way they’ll like you and want to keep you around.
People pleasing also ties into boundaries. When you’re always trying so hard to be liked and accepted, as much as you wish you would reinforce boundaries and stay true to yourself, you usually cave instead.
And please know that self-esteem can change at certain times in life – it doesn’t mean that if you have amazing self-esteem for a consistent amount of time, that that will just carry on forever. No, you have to continually maintain YOURSELF and work at it. It’s like all personal growth… it’s a lifelong process. It also doesn’t mean that having a bad day here and there is low self-esteem. It’s not.
For example, if you meet someone and then it didn’t turn out for whatever reason and you’re feeling down, that doesn’t mean you have low self-esteem. Or if you got drunk one night and did something you feel embarrassed about, so then you feel shame… that’s also not low self-esteem. Those are temporary feelings that pop up due to certain situations.
Low self-esteem is more of a long-term issue when it comes to how you show up for yourself and how you show up in the world. These types of feelings are persistent.
Next up, I want to touch on accountability and how that relates to self esteem…
When it comes to self-esteem, some people hold themselves accountable and some do not. The ones who do, step up and say enough is enough… I am going to do whatever it takes to pull myself out of this and work on myself… will see change. Then they are able feed off of the momentum they are gaining.
The ones who don’t even try to help themselves will stay in that place for years to come, feel hopeless, and often blame the world for the position they are in.
But there is no reason for ANYONE to feel hopeless in this area. You have to EMPOWER YOURSELF and put effort into yourself. Or else, of course you’re not going to feel better or see positive changes in your life.
People with high self-esteem earn it. Just like anything, you get out of it, what you put into it.
It starts with DECIDING that you are going to LOVE yourself and be dedicated to investing time and energy into yourself to get where you want to be.
And yes, your low self esteem may be attributed to past traumas or how you were treated in previous relationships, or even how you may have been treated at work… but low self esteem is not a life sentence. EVERYONE goes through bad things… and like the saying goes… most people are fighting a battle you know nothing about… but what has happened in the past can’t be erased, but you absolutely can shape the way your future plays out.
Anyone who made YOU feel bad about yourself in the past – is that REALLY someone who matters anyways? Is that someone who is a good person? Is that someone who is a quality individual? No, that is a miserable person who had their own internal issues and only felt better when they were able to bring you down to their level. You have to consider the source INSTEAD of allowing someone’s words and treatment of you to completely takeover your perception of yourself.
Basically, you don’t want to be the type who lives your life as though something is wrong with you and as though you don’t deserve great things because some jerk or group of people came along and made you feel that way.
They can’t even find happiness in themselves so why would you take what THEY say as though it’s gospel? It’s not!
Those are the types of unhealthy and low quality individuals that you want to steer clear of. Use them as examples of what you don’t want… use them as a way to create higher standards for yourself…
When you have higher self-esteem, you will naturally have more achievements, you’ll feel happier, you’ll have MUCH HIGHER satisfaction in your relationships, and you will wake up each day will a positive outlook because you have CHOSEN to do so.
Low self-esteem, on the other hand, leads to more loneliness, anxiety, increased substance abuse, and even criminal behavior.
You need to start believing that you DO deserve to have good people around you. You DO deserve to have healthy relationships. And you DO deserve to have fun and personal accomplishments.
Next up, I want to hone in on some of the ways you can BOOST your self-esteem…
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When it comes to BOOSTING your self-esteem, some of the things you really need to hone in on are as follows:
Letting go of the past and letting go of whatever is NOT working in your life. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do in life, but it is ESSENTIAL. When you don’t let go, you stay stuck and stagnant.
So that ties in with focusing on the present and what you can control. ALWAYS focus on the now and if something is out of your control, stop paying attention to it. When people focus too much on things they can’t control, it’s another way to absolve themselves of working on themselves. People use that as an excuse, which plays into a victim mindset, and where are you ever going to get with a victim mindset? Nowhere.
If someone is a dick to you, see it for what it is and FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL – removing yourself from that situation. Doesn’t that make a lot more sense than to be endlessly complaining about it and feeling sorry for yourself? Because like I said earlier, who is THAT person to make YOU feel bad? They’re a NOBODY if they are doing that. But if you tolerate it, they will keep wearing you down. It’s simple math.
Stopping yourself when you catch yourself worrying about the future. There is ZERO point in worrying about the future. It is eating up the time you could instead spend on working on yourself NOW so that you can have a better future… And when people are constantly worried about the future, that’s why they don’t let go of dead end relationships or get caught up with the wrong people just to have ‘someone’. Never ever ever be so desperate for someone.
Starting each day with a positive affirmation or intention can REALLY help set the tone for the day… which is why I included 111 affirmations in my book – having a positive and hopeful outlook on life is crucial for a good life and high self-esteem.
Taking care of yourself – How do you present yourself? What do you do for self-care? Do you work out? If you have the attitude where you don’t care how you present yourself and how you take care of yourself and think that won’t affect your self-esteem and dating potential, I can tell you right now that you are wrong. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you exude great energy and naturally have higher standards.
Only spending time with people who are genuine, truly care for you, and make you laugh… not just be around whoever so you don’t feel lonely, because ironically, you will be way more lonelier around the WRONG people.
Getting comfortable spending time on your own and enjoying your own company. A lot of people think that if you spend time on your own, that automatically means you are lonely. That’s not what it means at all. If you have a great relationship with yourself, your entire mindset will shift on that.
When someone compliments you, say THANK YOU! Period. Don’t squirm out of the compliment. React with confidence.
ALWAYS have goals that you are working on… whether they have to do with personal or professional. Personal accomplishments are HUGE for self-esteem.
Seek the help of a mental health professional or a coach to support you. Someone you can lean on and help keep you on track with where you want to be.
And if you are going through a breakup or struggling with the modern dating world in general, be sure to grab a copy of my new book, don’t be desperate, on Amazon TODAY!
You TRULY can have the life you desire. You can make connections with quality people. It all starts with YOU deciding that you want more for yourself, putting daily effort in, being cognizant of your headspace, and making good choices day in and day out.
Essentially, you need to treat yourself the way you would treat a best friend… because if you aren’t your own best friend first and foremost, that will set the tone for every other relationship you have.
You won’t live the optimal life of your dreams with low self-esteem… and you’ll keep making choices out of desperation. The power REALLY is in your hands to change all of that. I believe in you and my wish for YOU is that you start believing in yourself too!
If you feel stuck, reach out to me for advice by email or phone coaching. There is nothing I love more than helping people get on the right track.
Be sure to grab a copy of Don’t Be Desperate: Get Over Your Breakup with Clarity & Dignity!… now available on Amazon.