Taking Back a Cheater is Desperate

Listen to this podcast episode HERE: #268 Taking Back a Cheater. And be sure to check out my book, Don’t Be DESPERATE (because as much as you may not want to hear it, taking back a cheater is desperate).

Unfortunately tooooo many people out there can relate to this topic.

After you get cheated on, you will go down one of these 4 paths…

  1. You breakup with them, completely close the door, and never talk to them again (unless you have kids of course, then you still have to communicate minimally, but that’s where it ends and you have established firm boundaries)

  2. You get mad for a bit and try to teach them a lesson by playing hard and giving them the silent treatment… but deep down, you know you’re eventually going to give them another chance… you just want them to sweat it out a bit and beg you… You take them texting you as validation that they regret what they did instead of seeing it for what it is = which is they regret they got caught and they are amped up on winning you back because you’re playing hard to get. It always goes back to people wanting what they can’t have.

  3. You pretty much get reeled back in right away because you don’t cut ties with them for even 24 hours… and you keep talking to them, even if it’s arguing… you may be placing blame on the other person they were cheating with… or you may even be blaming yourself because they have manipulated you into thinking that they have a valid reason for seeking attention elsewhere…

  4. They have already cheated on you several times and it’s just another round… you may cheat on them so that you feel better about staying… but it’s just become commonplace and really not that shocking anymore…

  5. You breakup, but then agree to still be friends, without realizing that this person is far from being your friend. But you do this so you can make yourself feel better about still associating with them. Agreeing to this usually just leads to a FWB (friends with benefits) situation and then you either get back together – OR – you become FWB and want to get back with them, but then they give you ANOTHER slap in the face and tell you that THEY are not interested in getting back together. So then you’re kicking yourself EVEN MORE for allowing them to remain in your life.

So, for anyone who does #1 and turns this into a full-on breakup with no further romantic involvement with them, I applaud you. That tells me that you probably have enough life experience to know that if someone cheats on you once, they are VERY LIKELY going to do it again, REGARDLESS of what they say. You have probably learned that second chances are a waste of time. AND you respect yourself too much to tolerate anyone who is not 100% fully invested in you. You likely take pride in working on yourself and have a high sense of self-esteem. You truly KNOW your worth and make decisions based on that.

As for all of the other options, you need to know that if you take back a cheater, you are only fooling yourself. You need to realize that no matter how hard you may act or how many days you go silent, none of that actually means anything if you just end up caving and taking them back. And as soon as you give out a second chance or how many ever chances you’re dealing with at that point, you lose all of your power… and before you know it… this person gets comfortable again. They will probably tell you to quit nagging them and just get over it if you question them about anything, such as where they’re going or who they are with… You will have terrible anxiety and feel like a part-time private investigator, only no private investigator pay cheque. I’d say that’s a pretty raw deal, wouldn’t you?

Sure, some people who take back a cheater will tell themselves and anyone who they NOW wish they didn’t tell about the cheating… how the cheating made them SO MUCH STRONGER as a couple, but 99% are saying that to feel better about staying and to save face. Just wait til the first argument pops up. The cheating will be brought up faster than if you put your hand in the oven and pulled out a pizza without putting an oven mitt on.

How can the ultimate betrayal make you SO MUCH STRONGER realistically speaking? If someone is on their best behaviour after getting caught and for a period of time after, that doesn’t mean you are so much stronger. What that means is they are on their best behaviour. But you wait til opportunity strikes again… if they did it once, why wouldn’t they do it again? And most importantly, if they were able to do it once, what does that say about how they REALLY FEEL about you?

You can tell yourself til your blue in the face how much stronger this made you, but if you are wondering what they’re doing as soon as they’re out of your sight or wanting to look through their phone, all that tells me is you are not strong as a couple. You are hanging on by a thread are allowing this person to weaken you and mentally exhaust you. You can try to lie to yourself all you want, but I’d highly recommend not doing that. This other person lies to you enough – at least you need to be able to trust YOURSELF.

And let’s face it – unless they’re with you 24 hours a day or you have surveillance on them, you don’t even know if they’re cheating AGAIN or STILL CHEATING…

There is no one on this earth who has been cheated on who wasn’t concerned or anxious that it would happen again. Cheating changes EVERYTHING. When trust is broken, things never completely go back to how they were. Sure, you may still have some good days and good times, but as soon as you can’t seem to get a hold of them, they start acting strange, or they say something that does add up… NATURALLY you’re going to think the worst. And you have EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO in my opinion. That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach IS NOT WORTH IT… plus it can manifest in so many negative ways in a physical sense too. YOUR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH NEEDS TO BE A TOP PRIORITY.

And I always go back to this Dr. Phil quote: The best predicator of future behavior is past behavior. People are creatures of habit and habitual liars and cheaters don’t carry around a heavy conscience… because if they DID, you wouldn’t find yourself in this mess in the first place.

After a cheater gets caught, you may think things seem better or are more smooth sailing, BUT, in the majority of cases (unless they REALLY don’t give a shit about getting busted again)… they just start HIDING IT BETTER because you have caught onto them.

I heard this podcast where this woman would always ask to see her boyfriend’s phone to look through when he got home and he would just hand it over and she would say “There were never any shady texts in his phone” – – – Um, YEAH of course not BECAUSE HE DELETES THEM because he knows you are going to ask to see his phone lol. I mean, it’s one thing to act oblivious because you would rather comfort yourself with nonsense, but LET’S BE LOGICAL.  Meanwhile, the guy had a second phone, apps to hide secret images and videos, and cheated multiple times with several women… the whole 9 yards.

The only way you’re going to get the REAL scoop as to what they’re doing by means of their phone is IF THEY DON’T ANTICIPATE YOU TO EVER LOOK AT IT. And even THEN, people obviously delete things.

Or I heard another podcast with a guy who had a gf who cheated on him 3 times, but she swore up and down she wouldn’t again so he stayed…AGAIN. That gives a whole new meaning to taking back a cheater, doesn’t it? It’s one thing to get played, but when you have the evidence in front of you, there is no excuse for not having your own back. And men, when a woman knows she can walk all over you, she is NO respect for you… so if you think a cheating woman is going to value you and love you forever and ever, she’s not going to. Don’t waste your time. She will be gone long term as soon as the guy she REALLY wants is willing get into a relationship with her.

Men and women – don’t put yourself in the position of chump or placeholder for ANYONE.

It’s just not worth being in ANY type of relationship with someone you can’t trust. I mean, that’s not even a relationship. It’s a mess, is what it is.

Never be so desperate for a relationship that you find yourself losing yourself over a cheater. Someone with no care or concern for your feelings. Someone with no class or integrity. Someone who is showing you STRAIGHT UP that there is no healthy future for the two of you. Only an emotional rollercoaster of deceit and lies.

They are NOT worth it. And I will guarantee that to you until I’m blue in the face.

Oh, and please don’t say, but I love them… You think this is love, but what it actually is, is desperately wanting to be chosen and desperately wanting to be validated. If you had a truly loving relationship, you would spot the difference QUICK.

And why would you flatter them by saying how much you love them when they are cheating on you because…if they are doing that, THEY don’t love you. They love having you there for when they need you or can benefit from you. None of this is rewarding or fulfilling… too many people out there acting like a sh*t situation is better than being single… and that could NOT be further from the truth. Which is also why you see sooo many people glow up after a breakup like this. Suddenly, they look healthier. They look like the weight of the world has been taken off their shoulders. They’re finally at peace. AND they’re kicking themselves for not breaking up sooner.

So, stop telling yourself that you love someone who is treating you like a disposable option and START LOVING YOURSELF. It’s time to reclaim your life and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Taking back a cheater will lead to regret. Maybe not today or tomorrow… but you’ll see. It’s just not worth it.

There are 111 different topics in my new book… grouped into 14 sections… and one of those sections is called Liars and Cheaters SUCK… so if you are interested in pulling yourself out of a mindset that is only weighing you down, get your copy of DON’T BE DESPERATE on Amazon TODAY! I promise you won’t regret it! It’s like having a reference book to hold yourself accountable and rebuild your confidence at your fingertips!

If you need someone to talk to, whether it’s about a breakup, dating, or a relationship issue, visit breakupboost.com and order email or phone coaching. There is nothing I love more than connecting with my listeners and helping people get on the right track.

Be sure to also check out the other episodes of the “best breakup podcast” HERE. Connect with me on Instagram & TikTok. – Trina

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