#130: Friends with Benefits with Your Ex

After a breakup, so many people find themselves in this predicament: should they be friends with benefits … meaning should they continue sleeping with their ex.

if you find yourself in this situation now (or in the future), I think you’ll get the clarity you need from this episode. Please pass it onto a friend if they are in this situation.

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As you know, after a breakup, in most cases, your feelings don’t just evaporate – which is why it can seem impossible to get over someone. It can feel like torture if you are still physically attracted to them as well – because then other feelings like jealousy also start to pop up.

I am a firm believer that after a breakup, if you are really struggling, you need to go no contact. Sure, some people may say you can be friends with benefits and you can set boundaries and blah blah blah…but I am completely against this.

When people are in these situations, I see it as one person using the feelings that the other person has for them to their advantage and then the other person is usually just going along with this because they can’t let go. They’re having a much harder time with the breakup, and are much more likely to settle for crumbs. Settle for whatever the other person will give them just to be able to still be around them.

If you show someone that you are ok with settling for crumbs or just sleeping with them whenever they decide they want to give you the time of day, chances are good that you are going to feel like crap after. You aren’t going to feel loved. You aren’t going to be able to get over them if you are in constant contact with them. You aren’t going to be able to get the clarity you need and get your emotions in check from completely separating yourself.

You are better than being in limbo for someone. And essentially, you are making it easier for them to date other people because you are there serving as their security blanket. They know they can have you whenever they want AND they no longer have to put any effort into dating you? Nah. If you allow someone to treat you like an option, your self-worth will diminish and you will feel empty inside.

Breakups happen and breakups are hard – but if someone doesn’t want to be with you, don’t give them the benefits of you. This also makes you less attractive to them because you are showing that you aren’t valuing yourself.  Don’t think “oh if I keep sleeping with them, they’re going to change their mind and want to be back together with me!” No…they won’t cause you are giving them the ideal situation.

It’s much better to heal from your breakup and be content being single until someone comes along who WANTS to invest time and effort into you and actually date you. Treat you like you matter to them.

And then what happens if you find out they’re on dating apps or dating other people…because they’re single after all… How is THAT going to feel?

It’s just too risky and not worth it. Want more for yourself. The breakup happened for a reason…the two of you just weren’t meant to be together long term.

Don’t allow loneliness or the pain of a breakup keep you in a situation that is not healthy for you. The pain of the breakup will be temporary…but if you keep sleeping with your ex, you’re really only dragging out your pain longer than you have to. And why bring unnecessary stress and drama into your life?

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Trina is a breakup coach in Vancouver, but helps people heal their hearts worldwide.

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